Hey folks! I’m Joe Schlump, the Realtor you never knew you needed and probably wish you hadn’t found. With a whopping seven months of experience (and trust me, those months felt like years), I’ve redefined what it means to be a real estate professional—if by "professional," you mean a mix of questionable decisions and absolute confidence. I know some agents like to brag about their fancy credentials and awards, but my greatest achievements can’t be measured by plaques. Nope. My legacy is built on bold moves, creative problem-solving, and a complete disregard for the rules that most Realtors follow religiously.

Take, for example, the time I listed a house with a “beautiful, rustic basement that feels like a natural escape from the outside world.” What I meant was the basement flooded every time it rained, but hey, some people like water features! Sure, the buyers called to complain about their soggy shoes, but I told them it added to the charm of an "ever-changing ecosystem." Then there was that delightful moment when I convinced a client not to bother with a home inspection, confidently stating, “The walls look straight enough.” And who could forget my proudest sale: a house I labeled as “open concept,” which, to the untrained eye, might’ve just looked like a place missing all the interior walls. But come on, who doesn’t want to feel like they’re living in a giant, echoey warehouse?

I’m also a bit of a photography wizard. Forget about fancy DSLR cameras and professional staging. My secret? Blurry photos taken with my trusty flip phone! I like to call it "real estate noir," and I don’t bother with descriptions. Why tell potential buyers the details when they can enjoy the thrill of showing up to a house that may or may not have a roof? It’s all about keeping that sense of mystery alive. And when it comes to pricing, I throw caution (and comps) to the wind. If a house feels like it should be worth a million bucks, I list it for a million—nevermind the fact that the house next door sold for $300k. I believe in shooting for the stars (and sometimes landing somewhere near the ground).

But it doesn’t stop there. I’ve got a knack for creative problem-solving, like the time I advised a seller to “cover up” some major foundation cracks with a strategically placed rug. Problem solved! Or that one time I marketed a house’s lack of heat as a “great opportunity for buyers who love layering clothes.” My motto is simple: why fix problems when you can just reframe them as quirky selling points?

So, if you’re looking for a Realtor who thinks outside the box (way outside), embraces chaos, and believes every home—no matter how questionable—deserves a proud new owner, I’m your guy. Let’s make some real estate magic happen! Just don’t ask too many questions... or expect everything to go smoothly... or legally.